Never Recognize, Never Forget

Silence.

 

I did not say anything.

 

Even though they were talking so loud, inside my heart and my mind was silence.

Looking at father painfully lying on the sickbed, I could not say a word. Not like father’s friends, who are speaking for hours and saying the same thing, “ How do you feel, are you alright, any pain?”

It was pretty crowded and loud in the hospital room, father just finished his surgery, he had a tumor in his kidney. The white hair just like snow, rapidly appeared on father’s head.

 

Father is getting old. That is all I could think on my mind at that time.

 

I remembered he took me to the park, holding me on his shoulder, taking pictures and laughing.

 

I remembered he was angry that I spent too much money for friends, we had argument, but he still cooked for me.

 

I remembered he got upset because of I had too much pressure on school, he smoked for a whole night, next morning he decided to sent to me America.

 

I also remembered he ate all of the meal that I cooked, and then said they were so good and happy.

 

When I saw father lying on the sickbed, I just could not say a word. I recalled all of those things in my mind, silently massaged father’s leg, helping him feel his leg after anesthesia.

 

His skin is pretty ragged, especially feet. How much did he walk over these years? I could not imagine that, all I could do was keeping massaging and blaming myself why I did not notice that earlier; why I spend that much money which father worked so hard for; why I spend more time with friends when father is home.

 

Silence.

 

People were still talking about how father felt and brought him gift. There were milk, fruits, flowers, eggs. However, I still felt there were something miss, that only I could figure out because I was the only one kept silence.

 

Love, and concern.

 

Not those physical stuff, not just asking but not doing anything.

 

That whole night I did not say anything, just kept massaging father, and used warm towel to wipe his body. Father was not allowed to eat or drink, but his lips were too dry, the skin on his lips fissioned, just like my heart. So I used cotton swab, put some water on it and wiped his hips. Those were all I could do, I hate myself because I could not do any more.

 

Silence.

 

From that night of silence, I felt I all of sudden grew up a lot more, and many things that bothered me I felt there were all fine, compare to what father experienced.

 

Be filial to our parents, that was the only thing that I realized from that night. Even though it is only one word, I think I will have to spend my whole life achieving that.