Dead Air

 

I can hear their voices clearly. Every syllable, not aimed towards me but I hear it. Every movement they make resonates in my ear, the sound of their clothes rubbing against the gold sandy rough walls imprinted in my mind. I look around me. The chairs scattered in the suffocating room like a deck of cards. The walls of the room closing in on me by the second. All the happy faces. I try to mimic the joy, I can’t. They laugh but I can’t find anything amusing to make me spontaneously move like I was enjoying my time. The cold December air blows my hair out of my face and sends shivers down my spine. My eyes slide around and land on the open window which I wish I could launch myself through. My body desired to fly through glass and forget any other worries I had. The dark evening sky stood like a painting. Feather light snow falls past the glass and lands in layers. I can see the height of the snow building up, like the emotions I trap inside my mind. The green trees in the back sway with the wind. I picture myself as a tree, dancing from side to side, smiling. My eyes glide under my lids, and it's quiet. The ear piercing silence rings my eardrums and leaves me drowning in my thoughts all alone. The loudness of the deathly silence drives me over the edge. I look around me, identical fake smiles reflect back at each other. No outer force tampering with their mind. I stare at the carpet under my feet, the free blood red woven threads of wool move with the blowing air, from left to right. My gaze moves higher and lands on the eyes of him. He laughs and squints as he looks in the opposite direction. Not worried about unintentional eye contact knowing he wouldn’t look this way. His eyes, outlined in red paint. The reflection of the light dances in his eyes. The pupils thick and dark. The whites of his eyes stand out, like the whitest snow you would find above the mountain tops. His thick eyebrows move like silhouettes every time he speaks. The longer I stare, the lighter my heart feels. A whole growing larger by the second filling it with air. He shifts his eyes and looks past my head, my eyes flicker away quickly and look at the ground again. The sharp quietude hits me right in the center of my body like a gunshot, attacking the pit of my stomach. The feeling of desolation is quickly replaced by sickness. I sit and stare at the wall directly in front of me, my hands attempt to hold every aching part of my body, impossible. My heart stings and my stomach throbs. Suddenly my whole body goes numb, every nerve in my system is lost. I could never explain the emotions that circulate through my blood because that requires feelings, and I’ve forgotten how it felt to feel.